Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
Star of Preeminence: Introduction by Pheasant-One Star of Preeminence: Introduction by Pheasant-One

It appears you don't have PDF support in this web browser. Download PDF


Main Story:…

The first chapter with a lot of "Show-Don't-Tell" paragraphs. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.
So I'd love some feedback about how well this story started out, considering that first impressions are always
the most important. Am I adding too much detail? Is it too "Tell-Don't-Show" ish? I would like to know.

And I'd also like to know if there's some grammatical errors or any other bugs that got left out.
Of course, there are a lot of run-on sentences.

Being one of the only few democracies in the Shentine Galaxy, the United Alvion Empire has a lot of reasons to be both paranoid and welcoming of outsiders.
The rights to freedom of speech, religion and political opinion have done both wonders and damage to Alvion culture. A culture and race that prides itself
in egalitarianism, social justice, and liberty. The Galactic core is home to millions of species with the largest being the mammalian with avian traits Alvion race. The same race Lord Shen herself belongs to.
In fact, the Empress despises the Alvion Empire for its "Soulless Cosmopolitanism" and has always set her eyes on conquering the galactic core in order to reaffirm her holy dominion over the galaxy.
Her hatred of the empire may come from her grievances of past sins committed by the old Grand Alvion Empire against her.
The "Albinoish" race has both take pride in its superiority and guilt for not doing enough to save the galaxy from tyranny.

This amount of freedom has left loopholes in Alvion society. The virtue of "Tolerance for Intolerance" has had dire consequences. Something that radicals from all over the galaxy and outside can exploit.
The Humans and Eldrionis have always had a long, fiery rivalry with the Alvions for their Pagan beliefs and "degenerate" nature. Taking advantage of migrates coming into the core and setting up
terrorist groups to attack the Alvion people. The Star Principality, a new player in Shentine geopolitics seek to embezzle their profits in the Core by setting up proxy companies to help in the
Principality's war effort. Due to the "Pure Ideology" of the "Utorian Master Race", the Star-Lords manufactured new "Slave Philosophies" to woo Alvion's impressionable intellectual youth, 
bribing university professors and media outlets to push a new forgery called "Anarcho-Celestialism", which in theory is an ideology where all governments, class, money, states, sex, gender, and species would be abolished
and all life would be united under the benevolent yoke of the Star Principality, to be happy drones within a massive war machine. Like bees to honey, Celestialism has gained favor among social justice activists, youngsters born in middle and high classes who have a hatred for conservatives, moderates, religious people, Palaxxans, Arrvians, Kurtlars, Humans, Eldrions, and the poor. The Celestialists also allied themselves with other Star-Lord proxies such as the radical Cisphobes within the Transpecies movement and the Tennon Lives Matter movement, a self-proclaimed Tennon rights movement who's true purpose is to shape Alvion's political climate in favor of the Principality.
At first, the government supported Antiimpa as a means to fight Shenist extremism.

Imperialists, who have been clashing with each other in gang warfare for eons for sectarian reasons, and now with the Celestials have clashed against each other in the streets. With Imperials attacking Celestialist protests with bombs and gunfire. Leading to the creation of "Antiimpa", An Anti Shenist defense force and paramilitary made up of violent and horny teenagers. While Antiimpa was founded to "Fight religious extremism", it is, in reality, a racketeering group that installs fear into opponents of the Principality. Inquisitor forces, Those of the Church, Eliyyahu's private inquisition and Lord Shen's own personal inquisitors subvert and hunt down "Enemies of the Church and the Faithful.". Inquisitors of the Eldrioni Church have also been sent to do just the same, to wipe out the celestialists threat and keep the Earthists contained.

With the influence of the Principality growing to dangerous levels and Utorians becoming the scapegoats for the Nationalists and Imperialists, The Utorian Notor diaspora, who has always been a strong voting bloc for moderate parties and has always been extremely Anti-Principality, With the help of Notor Nationalists outside the core, the Utorians formed their own paramilitary groups to counter Antiimpa's growing influence. All united under the "Guardians of the Galaxy" movement. Groups within the united front often operated in the shadows, assassinating social justice and transpecies activists and Antiimpa sympathizers, whatever if said activists were Antiimpa sympathizers or not. Even if most Notors were godless atheists on average, many Imperialist factions, aside from groups loyal to House Eliyyahu, formed pacts and alliances with GOTG for sharing a common enemy.  

The political instability caused by political violence made many Alvions fearful and worried about their own safety. Radical nationalists within the political sphere offered the protection of the "Traditions of the Core" against the forces of Shen's wrath and from the evils of "Cultural Celestialism". Ultra-nationalist movements spread across the Empire made up of xenophobes, traditionalists, monarchists, sympathizers within the police, military, and political assembly and most of all, high school dropouts. 

And in the middle of all this chaos are the normal folk. And more importantly, those who identify as Transpecist. A Transpecist is a person who doesn't feel they're the right species, seeking to change their race from Human to Alvion for example. But the term Transpecies really is a catchall term for things involving interspecies interactions and relationships. From gene splicing babies for interracial couples to changing your DNA, or even mixing genders and genes into a new artificial species. While the movement consists of only %7 of Alvion's total population, the group has been a political topic for a long time, from moderates who only want to be left alone with their choices, supported by liberals and individualists. Conservative and religious groups who condemn the group for "Perverting nature", "Going against Shen's plan", "X isn't a Species" or outright "Abominations that deserved to be purged.".  The group is often harassed and attacked by Imperialist and Nationalist factions, forcing them to take radical alternatives to protect themselves, creating a niche that the Principality is more than happy to fulfill. But there is also an irony within the Nationalist movement, many of their leaders and followers have a thing for hermaphrodite taurs with tentacles, even if they keep it a secret. 
The Imperials, and especially Eliyyahu would have no problem purging these hypocritical "Degenerates".

Of course, this isn't the first time the Alvion Empire devolved into political chaos. Because it is often said that disorder is one of the many consequences of democracy. 

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

Leopold002 Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Interesting premise.
Add a Comment:

Featured in Collections

Sci-Fi, the Future, Maps, N Litterature by Leopold002

Writings that inspire me by victortky

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
January 27
File Size
150 KB


12 (who?)


Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.